Revealing 10 Empowering Self-Identities for Healing, Growth, and Lasting Happiness
Our children are experiencing a decline in their mental and emotional well-being
As we raise our children, we have naturally observed the mothers and families around us. There are parents who effortlessly nurture their children with love, wisdom, and patience, and we can’t help but feel envious. However, so many households are breaking apart, and our beloved children are struggling and suffering amidst wounds and confusion.
How many parents are unknowingly passing on their own pain and failures to their children? How long have these parents been trapped in self-doubt, constantly berating themselves for their own shortcomings?
The once bright and adventurous spirits of our little ones, who used to smile radiantly and fearlessly take on any challenge, are now wrestling with depression, anxiety, fear, comparison, victimhood, gambling or substance addiction, and even thoughts of self-harm.
In my immediate circle alone, three families are enduring immense pain and stress due to children caught in the grips of substance abuse. These young adults excelled academically during their school years, graduated from college, and secured good jobs, only to find their hearts hollow, leading them to reach for drugs.
People around me failed to notice my true self
I was considered a pretty decent mom who did her best to raise her children, even earning the approval of my in-laws. I always strived to create the optimal environment for my kids. I provided them with a clean household and nutritious meals filled with love. I read them books, played board games together, and engaged in physical activities frequently.
I made sure they had good friends and taught them proper manners. I even took on the role of personally tutoring them to achieve good grades. After they showered, I would give them massages to promote emotional well-being. My children grew up as loved individuals not just at school but also in our church community.
However, as my children grew older, they started distancing themselves from me. Conflicts with them escalated. Meanwhile, I was slowly crumbling inside, but no one around me noticed. After all, I always appeared to have it all together on the surface. I always wore a smile on my face.
Yet, beneath the surface, I was deteriorating, consumed by darkness. It was utterly despairing. No matter how much I regretted or made resolutions, no matter how many parenting books I read, I found myself constantly stuck in the same place. Our eldest son referred to his childhood and elementary school years as the “dark ages.” That speaks to the magnitude of the pain he experienced because of me.
What led me and my children to experience such profound unhappiness?
There was a time when I was engulfed in feelings of defeat and despair. Whenever I compared myself to those around me, my own image appeared pitifully inadequate, and it tortured me. Yet, at the same time, I found reasons and excuses to justify my inevitable failures. I feared that my children would walk the same path as me, yet ironically, I ended up inflicting them with the same pain.
Furthermore, there was unresolved anger and fear lurking within my heart. I failed to address the various wounds and bitter roots that had accumulated over the years. Instead, I passed them on to my children, magnified and intensified. While others praised me, likening me to a virtuous figure from the Joseon Dynasty, the image I discovered within myself was often that of a frightening and merciless stepmother, reminiscent of the Snow White tale.
Achieving a New Leap in Four Years
So, how was I able to break free from that suffocating cycle and create a happy home for myself, to the point of writing this book? As mentioned earlier, I was once consumed by feelings of defeat, despair, anger, and fear, passing on those bitter roots to my children. However, in December 2018, I embarked on a new leap, thanks to a self-improvement program for a couple that encompassed social, economic, and relational aspects, leading to significant success in all areas of life.
With sincere dedication, I completed the program and continued my self-development journey through various lectures, YouTube broadcasts, and books. I didn’t stop at acquiring useful information; I selected and aligned that knowledge with the wisdom derived from biblical scriptures. And one by one, I put those insights into practice at my own pace.
As of March 2023, four years have passed, and I am no longer the person I used to be. I have become much more positive, bright, proactive, and happy. Our children, who witnessed the process of my transformation, are also experiencing similar growth. They deeply appreciate the emotional stability provided by our family and are grateful for the happiness they are enjoying.
Over the course of four years, I created numerous planner templates, and my self-designed versions of the MIRACLE MAKER planner and journals have even made their way onto Amazon. For over two years, I have been publishing weekly blog posts on biblical self-improvement. And now, I am writing this book to capture our journey of growth.
Both of our children have been accepted into prestigious universities in the United States. These universities may not be well-known among Koreans, but Northwestern ranks 10th among national universities with a research focus, and Haverford proudly holds the 18th position among liberal arts colleges in the U.S.
Of course, our children worked hard, and they possessed unique strengths and talents that made this possible. However, there are many students in the world who are far smarter and more talented than our children but did not get into those universities. The fact that our children gained admission to renowned universities is the result of the mindset for success that I, and they, cultivated over the not-so-short period of four years.
The Structure of This Book
In the first ten chapters of this book, I delve into the common struggles and pains that arise in the lives of ordinary people like us. I discuss the overcoming methods I have discovered. In the practical section that follows in the latter part of the book, I describe the reasons and specific actions behind those practices.
The initial ten chapters cover the success mindset that is essential for you and your children. I discuss what self-identity is necessary to become successful individuals. While there are more prerequisites for healing, growth, and development in a person’s life, I present the attitudes and practices that have been proven to have the greatest impact in my own life and family.
As you read through the ten success mindsets, you may become curious about how to apply the introduced principles and practices in your daily life. In that case, I encourage you to refer to the table of contents and explore the relevant sections in the practical part.
In this book, I go beyond describing what I have done and focus on the person I have strived to become. I share the attitudes and actions that have brought happiness to our children and how, despite being from a low-income household, I managed to send them to prestigious universities in the United States without worrying about student loans.
What You Can Gain from This Book
Therefore, by reading this book and putting into practice what you have learned, you and your children will experience healing and recovery. Your lives can become happier and more prosperous. There is a strong possibility that your children will become exceptional students who motivate themselves, take responsibility for their lives, and experience various successes in school and society.
Furthermore, if you come from a low-income household in the United States, you can learn tips on how your children can attend prestigious universities without student loans. Whether you live in one of other countries outside of America but want to send your children to study in the United States or you are part of the American middle class and aspire to send your children to top-tier universities even if their grades are not in the top 1%, this book can be helpful to you.
Why You Should Read This Book Despite the Abundance of Expert Theoretical Books
There is another valuable aspect you can gain from reading my book as a non-expert, unlike the plethora of theory books by professionals. That aspect is the ‘confidence’ you will acquire. Although I may not possess the excellent parenting methods or attitudes towards life advocated by experts, I have been able to internalize their knowledge through self-learning and relentless effort. As you read the book, you will likely think, “If this person could do it, I can change too.”
The practices I have chosen are neither extraordinary nor difficult. They are things that anyone can understand and implement. However, you will discover subtle differences from what you have been practicing so far. And you will realize how much of a significant difference these nuances can make when they accumulate.
This text is more like a collection of experiences from someone who has walked the path you are currently on, rather than expert knowledge or experience. It contains the mistakes, failures, and challenges encountered in real life, as well as the learning gained from them, concrete methods to put that learning into practice, and small insights resulting from those actions. It is filled with content that you can empathize with and apply, serving as a practical guide rather than a parenting theory book.
However, the experiences I share are also the claims that experts have researched and proven through clinical trials. Psychological counseling, psychiatry, and educational theories have been specifically validated within the context of our family’s life. Therefore, when I attend lectures by professors like Professor Na-Young Ji or Professor Ju-Hwan Kim, I often think, “That’s right! That’s how children really change” or “That’s what I’ve been practicing!”
I Wanted to Sing of Hope
The methods I have practiced up until now haven’t become 100% ingrained habits for me. Even among the contents I have written in this book, there are still many aspects that require conscious and intentional effort on my part. There are still many areas where I fall short and need to grow. The path I have walked is not perfect, but I wanted to share my experiences and learnings.
Because no matter how much it may feel like wallowing in self-pity or passing through a dark and long tunnel, there is hope for us. I have seen it, held onto it, and persistently pursued it. Through the process of implementing what I have learned, various beautiful and virtuous fruits are beginning to bear.
Through that hope, I am healing myself, and our children are healing. As I mature into a responsible and self-reliant person, our children are likewise embracing this journey. I am becoming a happier person, and our children are growing up to be happy individuals.
That hope is manifesting as a light in our lives. Despite neither I nor our children being perfect and our environment still lacking in many ways, I witness the blossoming of various virtuous fruits in our lives.
I dream that this book becomes a story of hope for parents who find themselves immersed in self-doubt, struggling day in and day out, unsure of how to find a breakthrough. And even though I haven’t perfectly accomplished all the practices described in this book, I hope that through consistent effort and gradual growth, just as I and my children have tasted moments of success and happiness, you and your children will bear many fruits by implementing the principles introduced in this book.
Is Admission to a Prestigious University Absolutely Necessary?
Let me clarify that admission to a prestigious university for our children is merely one of the many fruits we have harvested. I do not believe that achieving admission to a prestigious university is a mandatory success for parents.
If attending college does not contribute to the pursuit of one’s dreams, then they have the freedom to opt out of it. When we listen to the stories of self-made individuals, many of them grew up in poverty and faced difficulties in reading and writing. A significant number of successful individuals do not possess a college diploma.
Successful people share common characteristics. Learning from and emulating those characteristics is more important than pursuing higher education. Regardless of the chosen career path, it is crucial to find one’s own dreams, learn from those who have gone ahead, and strive for continuous voluntary growth.
If an individual is unable to find work that ignites their passion and brings them joy in the process, the importance of a prestigious university diploma becomes less significant.
Of course, if the goal is to become a professional such as a doctor or lawyer, a university education is necessary. However, not everyone has such aspirations. As you know, information is abundant these days. We now have access to renowned professors, doctors, scientists, and experts from various fields at very low prices or even for free. This is why it is not necessary to attend university to acquire knowledge.
If your child wishes to attend university, I see no need to discourage them. There are advantages to be gained from attending university that are not easily obtained in the general society. It is the opportunity to meet people who are shaping the world. They could be professors or graduates who have already achieved success in society.
Moreover if your child goes beyond the boundaries of the school and makes a positive impact on the local community, they can create opportunities to meet various leaders within that community.
Whether your child attends university or not does not determine their success. What is more important and should be prioritized is their attitude towards the world, their approach to life, and unwavering self-confidence.
Redefine the Definition of Success
In all the areas I am about to introduce, I cannot claim to have always achieved 100% success. I am nowhere near perfect. There are times when I excel and times when I make mistakes. I am stronger in some aspects and weaker in others. However, I am gradually growing.
My growth has been a process of shedding the false beliefs I had about myself and rediscovering a healthy and authentic identity within the words of truth. It has been a struggle to live out that identity.
My growth curve may not show a steep and noticeable ascent, but I believe that a successful life is built upon concrete actions taken every day to achieve our dreams and make small improvements. Our daily efforts, accumulating over a month, a year, as time swiftly passes, lead to compounding results that eventually bear beautiful fruits before our eyes.
Although there are still areas where I have room for improvement, I want to emphasize that genuine success and the key to happiness lie in having a mindset of perseverance and continuous growth, even if the progress may be small in magnitude. I believe that the so-called successes defined by society, such as admission to prestigious universities or landing jobs in big companies, naturally follow as byproducts when we have this mindset.
Happy parents create happy children
Our children can find happiness. Despite the unfortunate and frustrating moments we may currently witness, they can lead successful lives. However, this becomes possible when we, as parents, set an example by living such lives ourselves.
Now is the time for us, as parents, to change and grow for the sake of our children’s happiness and success. It is our role to be good role models for our children, and our mission is to continuously develop and evolve into those role models. Our mission and role as parents do not change, regardless of the age of our children. So, why not embark on this exciting journey with me, filled with anticipation and new possibilities?