After completing the first semester of my senior year in college, I immediately married the man I had fallen in love with. I had this belief that my prince on a white horse would swoop in and rescue me whenever I encountered any trouble. Vaguely, I expected that no more dangers or challenging situations would come my way. I had this notion that meeting a prince on a white horse would solve all the problems in my life effortlessly, leaving only happiness behind. But, in reality, I was mistaken. Without even realizing it, I had gotten caught up in the fantasy world portrayed by Disney and dramas.
It didn’t take long for me to snap out of the illusion
Just 10 days after tying the knot, I packed my bags and moved to the United States, following my husband who was pursuing his studies abroad. Being in America exposed me to a whole new world and a diverse range of people. Some of them didn’t come from privileged backgrounds but had arrived with grand dreams. Unlike them, I found myself grappling with the challenges of everyday life. While they had a stable home environment and could focus on their studies without much worry, I was engaged in a daily war, juggling the responsibilities of being a young mother—laughing and crying with my children.
As I read children’s fairy tales repeatedly and conversed at their level, my grasp of the language gradually slipped away. I didn’t even possess the English skills required for a normal social life. When my kids faced bullying from neighborhood bullies, as a mother, I couldn’t protect them as I wished. Meeting peers who were diligently chasing their dreams, I had no stories to share. While they thrived and progressed with each passing day, I felt like I was being left behind, struggling to keep up. Meanwhile, my prince on a white horse was immersed in his studies and work, leaving me to run tirelessly on my own. With so many pressing matters to attend to, he had little time or emotional space to address my concerns. The prince on a white horse didn’t bring me the unadulterated happiness I had envisioned, nor did he solve all my problems.
Things that bothered me
I found myself falling into a state of relative deprivation as I compared myself to the affluent and talented people around me. They had been fortunate to receive both material and emotional support from their parents since a young age, which allowed them to excel not only academically but also in areas like music. Meanwhile, my own upbringing was marred by my father’s excessive corporal punishment and oppressive behavior, which left me emotionally unstable and lacking the confidence to pursue my studies or dreams.
Even before getting married, my home environment was far from ideal, and after marriage, my responsibilities as a wife and caregiver prevented me from fulfilling my own aspirations. I was constantly expected to assist my husband with his “important work” and take care of all the cooking. Being a perfectionist, there were days when I would spend a solid seven hours in the kitchen, toiling away until my back ached. And even after that, I would exhaust myself with the never-ending cycle of repetitive household chores until it was time for bed.
The position of a housewife became increasingly frustrating for me, as I continuously sacrificed without feeling any sense of fulfillment. My situation was truly pitiful, but in this unfamiliar land of America and lacking financial independence, I felt trapped with no viable options. This realization only served to intensify my distress.
The root of my unhappiness
I yearned to lead a professional life in a specific field, just like everyone else. I couldn’t help but feel envious of those who were already living their dreams. However, ironically, I found myself constantly searching for excuses to justify why I couldn’t be true to myself. I blamed my perceived low IQ, my disadvantaged family background, my parents’ upbringing, my husband’s indifference, and the constant demands of my children. It didn’t occur to me that I had the ability to carve out my own path and shape my own destiny.
I used to make excuses by shifting the blame onto external circumstances and other people, but at times, I fell into the trap of feeling victimized and defeated. Being influenced by society’s emphasis on comparison and competition, I experienced a sense of relative deprivation. The chasm of despair and anger within me deepened as I avoided taking full responsibility for my own life. Looking back on the journey I’ve taken, there are countless moments that I now find embarrassing. I would lament and complain about the aspects of my life that needed to change, both in myself and in others. But upon reflection, I realized that the reason things didn’t change was because of me. There were also reasons why I couldn’t achieve my dreams and why I wasn’t happy. I held the key to solving all these problems.
No matter how much the environment and family dynamics might change, if I don’t change and grow myself, I will always find another reason to blame them for my unhappiness. It’s true that I can’t directly control others or alter the environment, but I do have the power to change myself if I make the effort. And when I change, it can have a transformative effect on the people around me and the environment I find myself in.
Finding the real reason I wasn’t happy
As I dug deeper into the root of my unhappiness, I realized that I yearned to lead a professional life in a specific field, just like everyone else. I couldn’t help but feel envious of those who were already living their dreams. However, ironically, I found myself constantly searching for excuses to justify why I couldn’t be true to myself. I blamed my perceived low IQ, my disadvantaged family background, my parents’ upbringing, my husband’s indifference, and the constant demands of my children. It didn’t occur to me that I had the ability to carve out my own path and shape my own destiny.
I used to make excuses by shifting the blame onto external circumstances and other people, but at times, I fell into the trap of feeling victimized and defeated. Being influenced by society’s emphasis on comparison and competition, I experienced a sense of relative deprivation. The chasm of despair and anger within me deepened as I avoided taking full responsibility for my own life.
Looking back on the journey I’ve taken, there are countless moments that I now find embarrassing. I lamented and complained about the stagnant aspects of my life that needed to change, both in myself and in others. But upon reflection, I realized that the reason things didn’t change was because of me. I was the reasons why I couldn’t achieve my dreams and why I wasn’t happy. I held the key to solving all these problems.
No matter how much the environment and family dynamics might change, if I don’t change and grow myself, I will always find another reason to blame them for my unhappiness. It’s true that I can’t directly control others or alter the environment, but I do have the power to change myself if I make the effort. And when I change, it can have a transformative effect on the people around me and the environment I find myself in.
Refusing to continue living as a victim
I embarked on a journey towards happiness. It meant fully embracing the responsibility for my own life. As I worked on personal development, I had an epiphany: I held complete accountability for my thoughts, intentions, words, actions, decisions, and relationships, including the circumstances I found myself in. Furthermore, I discovered that even my emotions were influenced by the way I chose to think. This realization became a pivotal moment that radically transformed my life.
The path was far from smooth. It involved an ongoing battle against recurring false beliefs. Thoughts like “People can’t change,” “Life is inherently difficult,” “Life isn’t fair,” and “Things never go as planned” had taken root in my mind. They implied that life was predetermined, beyond our control, and resistant to change. These notions had deeply ingrained themselves in my thinking. But the biggest lie I had embraced was the belief that emotions were beyond my control, that they were passively imposed upon me by circumstances or others.
However, while reading Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, “Nonviolent Communication,” I stumbled upon a passage that struck a chord within me. He wrote, “Each of us is responsible for what we think, feel, and do.” Those words profoundly moved me. It challenged my belief that emotions were exempt from my responsibility. “Emotions are my responsibility? That’s preposterous!” I initially thought. I held onto the conviction that if someone personally insulted me, misunderstood me, framed me, or criticized me, their actions alone could dictate my anger. But one day, it finally clicked. I grasped the true meaning behind Dr. Rosenberg’s words.
A real-life example within my own family served as a powerful illustration. My youngest child, who was in elementary school at the time, possessed boundless energy. He had a remarkable musical talent, skillfully mimicking drum sounds and beatboxing. The rhythmic and lively tunes he created delighted my ears. However, there were moments when his exuberance became too much for his siblings to handle, and they felt annoyed by his loudness.
That was when I realized something crucial: We all heard the same sounds in the same environment, yet each person’s reaction varied. This revelation emphasized that emotions are not imposed upon us by external circumstances or others. Our individual perceptions and interpretations shape the way we experience emotions. This realization resonated deeply with me, highlighting that our choices in perceiving what we see, hear, and observe directly impact the range of emotions we feel.
Empowered by this newfound understanding, I resolved to break free from a passive existence dictated by external forces. I relinquished the habit of constantly blaming others and took charge of shaping my own environment and future. I committed to transforming my thoughts, emotions, language, relationships, and habits. Step by step, I embarked on a personal remodeling process. It wasn’t until halfway through my life that I let go of the victim mentality and embraced the role of a game-changer in my own life. I chose to be reborn as someone who emerges victorious.
Strategies Implemented to Become a Game-Changer in Life
A game-changer refers to “a person or event that has played an important role in changing the outcome or flow of something.” In my pursuit of becoming a game-changer in my own life, I incorporated various exercises that helped me take control and create positive change.
1. Nonviolent Communication
One crucial practice was immersing myself in Dr. Rosenberg’s book, “Nonviolent Communication,” and repeatedly applying its principles in my daily life. This transformative approach enabled me to break free from the habit of blaming others or myself for unpleasant feelings or unsatisfying situations. Instead of resorting to finger-pointing and attacking, I learned to take an objective look at the root causes of problems, honestly acknowledge my own emotions and needs, and proactively find ways to address them. I prioritized these practices in my daily routine, gradually becoming more attuned to my own needs and reducing blame or my reliance on external support. As a result, I noticed a significant decrease in the amount of criticism and nagging directed towards my children, as well as a decline in my resentment towards my husband and the circumstances I faced.
2. Harnessing the Power of Effective Planning
At this point, incorporating a planner into my routine proved to be a game-changer. I’ve always struggled with forgetfulness, often setting goals only to lose track of them shortly after. Recognizing the significance of setting goals aligned with my own values, needs, and aspirations, rather than succumbing to external pressures, I established the habit of documenting everything. I began meticulously jotting down my goals and crafting specific strategies to achieve them.
Breaking down these lofty aspirations into actionable steps and slotting them into my daily schedule with concrete dates, times, and locations made the process of implementation feel natural and effortless. Throughout this journey, I remained mindful of striking a balance between tending to my own needs and fulfilling my responsibilities as a mother and wife. My family remained a top priority in my life. While attending to my household and church duties, I also carved out dedicated time for myself, seizing moments of tranquility in the early mornings or whenever solitude presented itself.
Even if I missed those valuable pockets of time, I actively created opportunities to pursue my goals. For instance, while waiting in the car during my children’s school events or sporting activities, I utilized that time to tackle planned tasks or catch up on much-needed rest until it was time to bring them home.
By embracing every available moment, I successfully struck a harmonious balance between personal growth and meeting my family commitments, ensuring that each facet of my life received the attention it deserved.
3. Harnessing the Power of Nonviolent Communication Journaling
I also integrated journaling into my nonviolent communication practice using the Self-Emotional Care Journal. While nonviolent communication offered a straightforward and clear method, putting it into action proved to be a challenge due to my ingrained old habits. So, whenever conflicts or issues arose, I made a conscious effort to objectively observe the situation using the four components of nonviolent communication (observation, feeling, need, request). This allowed me to gain insight into my emotions, empathize with myself, and identify the unmet needs or values that triggered my emotional responses. I then recorded specific strategies in my journal to address those needs and find win-win solutions.
In my journal, I documented these solutions, enabling me to proactively prepare for future conflicts or similar situations. I recognized that many conflicts tended to reoccur due to underlying reasons, and through journaling, I found effective ways to peacefully resolve them when they resurfaced. It’s important to note that journaling didn’t always provide immediate answers or guarantee a 100% success rate in implementing the insights I gained. Resolving complex conflicts required patience and time. Nevertheless, journaling greatly empowered me to take control of my thoughts and emotions, paving the way for transformative personal growth.
Moreover, the positive impact extended beyond my individual development. It significantly improved my relationships within my family and fostered a more harmonious atmosphere at home. Engaging in nonviolent dialogue through journaling became a rewarding and life-changing experience, despite the persistence and challenges it entailed.
To be continued.