Photo by Joshua Jung
“No way! It doesn’t make sense.” That was my first response to Dr. Rosenberg’s claims about our feelings. “What others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause of our feelings… We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people…(Rosenburg 49-50)” My feelings were provoked because he attacked me. He is the one to be blamed because his fault is much bigger than mine. He insulted me and was ruthless, I thought. I could admit my responsibility for part of the blame, but not for the cause of my emotion.
One thing that I can look back on and say I did a good job would be practicing Nonviolent Communication (Compassionate Communication) with my children. I have been so awkward and unskilled. Yet, I did it with the motto “Don’t give up.” As the years passed by, I learned that our emotions are controlled by our choices. In other words, we can choose our feelings. I have three children. The last one is an innate musician. He liked making sounds and had a good sense of rhythm since he was a toddler. The dinner table in front of his seat was covered with dents from drumming with his forks and spoons. Everything was his drum and drumsticks.
He started beatboxing at a young age. He expressed his energy with all kinds of sounds, using everything he could. When someone started rapping, he responded with beatboxing. Even though it was amazing, fun, and exciting to me, my eldest son couldn’t feel the joy the sound brought to our lives. He would think ‘he was too loud,’ and get irritated and annoyed. The circumstances were the same, but there were two different responses depending on the person.
Only then, I could understand what Dr. Rosenberg said. He said, “We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in the moment (p. 49).” After I realized that I was the one who was responsible for my words, deeds, thoughts, circumstances, and even my feelings, my life has changed dramatically.
Rosenberg, Marshall B. Ph.D. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas: PuddleDance Press, 2003